Funny and Hilarious Basketball Quotes

Hilarious Basketball Quotes

Are you in a rut?

Do you need a break from the grind?

If so, thank God you landed here in your Internet travels! Just sit back and read a few funny basketball quotes that we’ve gathered here.

Yes, it’s OK to once in awhile step back from your daily basketball training routine and allow yourself some relief.

What’s that old saying? Laughter is the best medicine… Sometimes we take ourselves and the game a bit too seriously, don’t you think?

So, take a break from your basketball drills and basketball plays and enjoy a few hilarious basketball quotes…

… When you’re done laughing, you can also visit our Great Basketball Quotes for a serious look at our awesome game through the eyes of some of the greatest people on the planet.

Now, on to the Funny and Hilarious Basketball Quotes!

Hilarious Basketball Quotes (1-5)

  • “I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.” – Dave Barry
  • “Some things you just can’t question. Like you can’t question why two plus two is four. So don’t question it, don’t try to look it up. I don’t know who made it, all I know is it was put in my head that two plus two is four. So certain things happen. Why does it rain? Why am I so sexy? I don’t know.” – Shaquille O’Neal
  • “The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking about manic depression, she asked, ‘How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?’
    A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, ‘A basketball coach?'”
    – Old Basketball Joke
  • “Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It’s up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.” – Bill Walton
  • “These are my new shoes. They’re good shoes. They won’t make you rich like me, they won’t make you rebound like me, they definitely won’t make you handsome like me. They’ll only make you have shoes like me. That’s it.” – Charles Barkley


Hilarious Basketball Quotes (6-10)


  • “This [basketball] is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn’t have spectators.” – Dick Vertleib
  • “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” – Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice
  • “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.” – Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player
  • “What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?” – Woody Allen
  • “I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I’m the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I’m the good-quality dog meat. I’m the Alpo of the NBA.” – Shaquille O’Neal


Hilarious Basketball Quotes (11-15)


  • “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” – Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record in 1992
  • “We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.” – Weldon Drew
  • “There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket.” – Abe Lemons
  • “We’re shooting 100 percent – 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.” – Norm Stewart
  • “That’s a terrible defensive effort by Robert Horry. He didn’t even make it difficult for Rasheed Wallace to score.”
    Snapper: “Well, what do you expect? Earlier you said that Wallace could be one of the best players in the game, and now you want Robert Horry to guard him one-on-one?”
    Bill: “No, I said that Rasheed could be the best player in the game.”
    – Bill Walton & Snapper Jones


Hilarious Basketball Quotes (16-20)


  • “Tracy McGrady is doing things we’ve never seen from anybody – from any planet!” – Bill Walton
  • “I look at the NBA as a football game without the helmet.” – Tom Tolbert
  • “John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western Civilization!”
    Tom Hammond: “Wow, that’s a pretty strong statement. I guess I don’t have a good handle on world history.”
    Bill: “Well Tom, that’s because you didn’t go to UCLA.”
    – Bill Walton
  • “Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” – Charles Shackleford
  • “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.” – Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, on what he told a player who received four F’s and one D


Hilarious Basketball Quotes(21-24)


  • “They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds.” – Wilt Chamberlain
  • “Fans never fall asleep at our games, because they’re afraid they might get hit by a pass.” – George Raveling
  • “But you have to understand, my beard is so nasty. I mean, it’s the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan’s beard look good.” – Bill Walton
  • “They shot the ball well early. What comes out of the microwave hot doesn’t always stay hot. I know, because I eat bagels in the morning.” – Shaquille O’Neal


END: Hilarious Basketball Quotes